Please forgive me for the poor picture quality. It was taken in 2013 with a cell phone camera!
As a kid, I LOVED Christmas. I would wake up at 6:00 AM, wake up my sister, and we would run in and wake up my parents together. My poor parents would go through the whole, “Before presents, you need to brush your teeth, make your bed, and make sure your room is picked up.” All a ruse so they could get a little more sleep, I’m sure! We would open presents, my mom would take way too many pictures, and we would spend the rest of the day playing with new toys together and watching Christmas movies. As we got older and grew out of toys, we all still hung out together, watched movies, and just enjoyed a day when we could be together as a family. I would drive home from college and spend a week or two with everyone. It was always something I looked forward to.
In April 2016, my mom passed very unexpectedly. My lack of ability to properly grieve and process her death is a whole issue in itself, but I never thought about how much different the holidays would be without her. It just didn’t FEEL like Christmas, you know? But it wasn’t just Christmas. It was Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and more. My mom and I both have birthdays in February, one week apart. So, for me, that holiday funk lasts about November to February. For some people, it’s longer. For some, it’s shorter.
The thing about loss and grief is that it’s specific to the person. Not everyone heals the same way. The number one thing that has helped me get through the holidays is time. This year marked my fifth Christmas without my mom. My mom’s name is Joy, so I’m reminded of her everywhere I go this time of year. In the first few years, that was extremely hard. I couldn’t go anywhere without being reminded that she wasn’t here. Now, I try my very best to look at it in a more positive way. I am reminded that she’s looking out for me. But, that is a very conscious effort. I see her name, or I think about her not being here, and the first emotion is sadness. I have to deliberately sit myself down and say, “No, this is her reminding me that she is still looking out for me.” It takes a lot of practice. I’m still working on it, but I have a feeling it will continue to get better.
“It has been said ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But the pain is never gone.”
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
This quote by Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy has stayed with me for several years now, and I feel it is the most accurate. Time affects the mind much like it does the body. Time does not heal the scratch on your arm. Your body, protecting itself from infection and foreign substances, scabs over the scratch and leaves a scar. Your mind, protecting you from pain and sorrow, scabs over the broken pieces and leaves a scar. Forever changed, but still able to move forward.
Another thing that has helped me is creating new memories and traditions. For four years, my best friend Ashton and I lived together. During this time, we would buy each other Christmas sweaters and take family pictures. It sounds strange, I know, but it was so much fun! We don’t do it anymore since we don’t live together, but we still celebrate with each other by making dinner, having a movie night, or buying gifts for each other’s pets! She has been with me through all the good and the bad in our six years. Truthfully, her friendship in itself has helped me get through the holidays every year. A big part of the holiday sadness is feeling alone, and she never let me feel alone. When you find a friend like this, someone who is really more like family than just a friend, never let them go.
My husband and I have started creating new traditions, too! Being married to a police officer means that there’s always a 90% chance that he will have to work on Christmas. So, we do stockings on Christmas Eve! On Christmas morning, we eat breakfast together, open gifts, and watch one of our favorite Christmas movies. We both LOVE How the Grinch Stole Christmas! He also loves Home Alone, and I love The Nightmare Before Christmas. After that, he typically goes to work. Tod (pictured above) and I sit at home and watch movies the rest of the day. I know what you’re thinking… “You sit at home by yourself on Christmas? Doesn’t that make you sad??” It used to. It used to give me too much time to sit around thinking about how sad I was to not be with my mom. These days, in my attempt at more positive thinking, I have turned this into my Christmas tradition. My mom and I used to watch movies together, and now I watch them in memory of her. I take the time to reflect on the past year (which has been kind of awful this year, thanks, 2020). I find more joy than sorrow in my journey, though, and that keeps me going.
The holidays will never hold that place in my heart like they once did, but they get better every year. If you’re struggling this year after the loss of a loved one, please know that you are not alone. People love you. They care about you deeply. They want to see you smile every day. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to feel. Never apologize for them, and never try to bottle them up. You are beautifully you; scars and all.
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and happy New Year! Remember to be kind and tell your family (chosen and/or blood) that you love them.
If you have something that has helped you get through the holidays without your loved one, please comment below. I would love to hear your story!
Melancholy Holly 